the hater in me

is coming out.

i hate facebook.

such a monumental waste of time.

so im not doing it anymore.

the drama is ridiculous.

and thats one thing i dont need any more of.

so, if you dont see me on facebook.

now you know why.

so if you want contact with me.
play words with friends.
much better.
but let me warn you.
i am terrible.
so we cant keep score, ok?
but oh so fun.
and drama free.

red letter day

the landcruiser died.

some big ole clunk clunk clunk sound, with check engines lights screaming...

needless to say, it will be towed from my driveway.

i know its always wanted a piggy back ride from a tow truck.

on a lighter note...

toby ate my favorite, irreplaceable pair of cut offs.

i know, gross. 

lovely area he chooses to chew on too.

maybe i should take this as a compliment.

i guess he had nothing better to do in the middle of the night.

that dog is bugging me lately.

(i thought i would never say that)

and i have this gargantuan pile of laundry to do...with more upstairs.

and a house which is too big to clean.

so big i had to resort to calling for help.

 i will be knee deep in pine sol and windex today.

so...

im hating my life bigtime.

im tired of counting my blessings.

and being miss positive.

shoving the negative to the side.

and looking for the silver lining.

and amongst the chaos of regular life, 

i am walking around crying. 

my life crumbling beneath me.

everything i lived for...seems wasted sometimes.

but this will all pass one day.

and my life will become calm.

and tranquil.

and the mean people will go away.

or brain damage from being distraught.

and maybe i will be able to live again.

and smile a real smile.

and laugh with my heart.

and not have to fake it like i have for so many years.

im tired of putting band aids on.

and camouflaging what is really going on in my head.

one day i will be able to say what i feel and others wont be upset.

or misconstrue what i am saying.

or say, "thats not true".

or "you dont know what youre talking about".

do you know how annoying that is?

i have heard that for so many years i could scream.

how do they know how i feel?

and im telling them, and they dont believe me.

one day i just might be understood and not lied about.

or lied to.

maybe i should just be quiet now.

a muzzle permanently placed.

and i always thought i was pretty real.

and honest.

and true.

maybe all this time its been a facade.

what stays in vegas

so there was this big wedding in vegas.

claudine was the appointed florist, so naturally i got invited

to participate in the fun.

putting together a gigantic wedding.
did i say gigantic?
yes, i said gigantic.

just the two of us.

with minimal time for set up.

in 100 degree weather.

(i think the venue was trying to punish us)

 i havent worked that fast and hard in a very long time.

i think i am getting old too.

the signs are here.
front and center.
(i did get my sleep tho...good thing).

so...

this is it.

we did all of this in a hotel room.

needless to say every minute was utilized,

as was every little teeny space in that little teeny room.

boy, we got creative in more ways than one...

(even ate 5 guys two days in a row)

literally buckets of flowers in every nook and cranny.

all drug from southern california,

packed very carefully in my suv.

and all i can say is thank goodness for navigation.

it literally saved our lives.

so...

we did it. 

even if we were putting finishing touches 

on everything 15 minutes before the bride walked down the aisle.

no biggee.
so it worked out.

and we laughed an awful lot.
and panicked a few times.
made lots of u turns.
and drank diet coke non stop.
but you know, they say laughter is good for the soul.
so its a good thing.

however, claudine...im screening my calls now.

capo game

capo is our rival.

well, maybe mission too...

but this game is a good one.

every year.

but unfortunately weve been gettin our butts kicked.
every year.

last year there was even some sort of scuffle in the stands...

so it didnt help that hunter had a fever in the morning.

the big game and hunter is sick.
perfect.

it was a feat just to get him out of bed.
i knew i had to get him feeling better..fast.

so i gave him 2 little baggies before he left for school, 

one said,

"take at 2:30"

the other one said,

"take at 4"

needless to say there were all sorts of multi-colored pills in these baggies.

all timed to perform at the precise moment.

it kinda worked.

the 800mg ibuprophen was the king, though.

thats a cure all for everything.

maybe next year, guys.

(and why are my pictures not centered...hmmm)

loads of color

fabric mart day in la.

i guess were in the wedding business now.

who woulda guessed.

im not techo saavy

where is eden when i need her?

ive been trying to do some stuff on my computer lately...

and im failing. 

i ordered these cute graphics to embellish some photos on this thing.

do you think i can make it work?

no

and i know i am doing something really silly stupid.

and the new photo on my blog.

i cannot get it the right size.

so bear with me, folks.

im learning this stuff the hard way.

spending hours on this thing, very frustrated.

ugh.

so...

does he look like hitler or what?

my dad

it was my dads birthday yesterday.

yup...9/11.

such a wonderful day for him to be born 87 years ago.

and such a bad day in 2001.

i love my dad.

i love how loyal he is.

and how good he is.

he has a magnificent moral compass.

he has integrity like no other.

and hes smart...and patient.

i admire and appreciate him.

and feel very fortunate to be lucky enough to be his daughter.

sometimes i wonder if i did something really bad,

or something really good to get the life i have...

when i think of being my dads daughter, 

i must have done something really good.

so maybe i am that valiant spirit.

who agreed to take this punch in the throat...

if thats the case, bring it on.

i have my dad to help me fight it all.

and that is wonderful.

because i got the best in my corner.

who are you?

so i was listening to hunters coach give a pep talk at shell week.

and he talked about integrity.

he talked about how when he gives an assignment to

do so many pushups, you need to do them.

period.

whether or not the coach can see you.

i liked what he said.

it stuck with me.

and id like to think that i would do the alloted pushups,

whether or not anyone was watching.

well actually, i know i would.

i am somewhat of a rule keeper.

and then im not.

i let the little stuff go.

and i dont get hung up on much.

so maybe i am just a hypocrite.

or a pushover.

or maybe just try not to sweat the small stuff.

although i remember when hunter used to lie to me about brushing his teeth

when he was a little boy.

that just frosted me.

why would someone lie about something so stupid?

at least lie about something good.

no, im kidding.

needless to say, hunter got harped on big time.

and he had a continuous lesson on integrity.

i probably sounded like an annoying broken record.

"so how am i ever going to trust you again?"

poor hunter.

he probably came clean just to get me to shut up.

i think he learned his lesson.

i hope that when i die, the one thing people might say about me

is that i had integrity.

and if you were one of my kids, you knew it was a big deal.

hope i succeeded.

(thank you aarean for the pic)

more quiet

so i was home alone last night.

and will be tonight too.

first time in a very long time this house is this quiet.

and i am sad.

my best friend is gone.

he left.

i wish i could have been able to express to him how much he meant to me.

but i could not, for some reason.

my words didnt work.

my actions didnt work, i guess too.

i wish i could have told him how we could conquer the world.

and face our issues, and solve them all.

with a little love and patience.

but i could not.

so i need to pull myself up again.

and march on.

cuz thats just what i do.

i will miss the bear hugs.

and the crook between his arm and shoulder.

i felt safe there.

i will miss the lazy days searching out the sun.

and the walks at sunset.

i will miss eating watermelon, and tasty desserts in bed.

i will miss holding his hand...everywhere.
and the chocolate color of his skin.

i will miss him talking to strangers, like they were best friends.
and his love for his beat up airstream trailer.
the one we almost died for getting it to san diego from bakersfield via el centro.

i will miss his exciting stories of his past life.
flying fast planes and driving fast cars.
maybe even a few fast women in there too.

i will miss his strong hands, and his crooked pinky fingers.

i will miss laying on the grass at mission bay and just talking and talking.
and him making sure i dont spend my coins...because they go in the bucket in the closet.
i will miss the japanese words he recites, and the sound of his elvis voice.
his massive tree trunk legs which made mine look small.

i will miss hearing the fireworks over sea world from his house.
and the peek of ocean from his balcony.

i will miss him telling me i am gorgeous,

and the words,  i sure do love you.

but if my man is reading this...

know i always cared.

maybe more than you knew.

and know i always wanted to be with you.

because you were it for me.

power out

this photo doesnt really go with this post...
however

 i learned a few things last night.

1. always have a full tank of gas

2. always have cash on hand

3. always have your phone charged

the power went out all over southern california.
luckily i had a full tank of gas, a little cash...but my phone was dead.
so i drove around for 20 minutes, charging my phone.
(while wasting my valuable gas, however).
not good.

and as it turned out,
i was alone in the dark.

all alone.

like just me and the dogs.

super weird.

hunter was studying with a friend who had power, and dane was with his dad.
i didnt really mind it.

but i noticed something.

the neighborhood got really quiet.

eerily quiet.

i lay in my bed, the french doors wide open.

dark everywhere.

and quiet.

deafening quiet.

you could hear every leaf drop, every spider crawl up his web, every cricket scatter...

and i thought about how thats what wilderness must sound like.

and i liked it.

i just need to run away to some cabin in the woods.

who wants to run away with me?

i guess i was cute...

check out this lovely gem.

circa 1982 or so.

how in the heck did i get my hair to do that?

i think i spent a lot of money on perms.

and bow ties.

more food

i think i love photographing food as much as eating it.

so i am making food, crying and taking pictures, all at the same time.

wonderful.

but dont worry, the crying has almost stopped.

now i get to cry over summer ending.

my usual depression is setting in.

this sucks.

and by the way, hunter hasnt stopped doing homework for about a week now.

i just keep placing food by the computer...and he eats it.

his latest request, the blt...with a little avocado added this time.

long overdue

so i havent really addressed the issue at hand.

i have been sort of ignoring it.

brushing it aside.

walking around in a daze, if the truth be known.

eden is gone.

there, i said it outloud.

every time this happens to me, i am driven into a funk.

but this time was different for some reason.

this time was really hard.

i was/am not myself.

and i cry/cried a lot.

i am sort of coming out of it, but can get teary eyed at a moments notice.

especially when i walk past her quiet room...

which is at the top of the stairs.

which i have to pass every time i climb them.

such awful placement.

her bed sits there empty and perfectly made.

no pajamas thrown on the floor.

the bathroom stays untouched.

no makeup stains or toothpaste in the sink.

sometimes i catch myself wondering if she is up out of bed,

or cuddling with maggie on the chaise,

when i am out.

sometimes i catch myself thinking about what to bring her home for dinner.

but she is not there, sleeping or eating.

shes where she needs to be.

and i am happy for her.

her brilliant mind being challenged.

her sweet person rubbing shoulders with others.

her little but mighty wings being put to the test.

i am thrilled for her.

because she will do amazing things.

and has potential impossible to measure.

this perfect girl of mine.

so while i miss her hanging around here, her darling, sweet face in plain sight...

i am content.

and at peace.

even if i have shed a million tears in the past week.

so on a lighter note...

this was our gurus visit with grandma.

i find myself thinking about these sweet potato fries.

a lot.

i think i may be just obsessed with food.

what is wrong with me?

i constantly am crying or thinking about some weird food.

help.

no, not pregnant

so i am craving watermelon these days.

such an odd thing.

i dream of watermelon.

you would think i was pregnant...

but i assure you i am NOT.

one has to be in the fridge at all times.

if i am visiting rich...

i ask before i drive down...

"do you have watermelon?"

he always answers yes, then sighs a little.
like, what is her problem?

i am sure he thinks i am weird.

even have been known to cut one open,

and eat the whole thing in bed...in front of the tv.

what a good man to put up with my cravings.

when i was at my moms last week, i made a special trip to costco.

just for watermelon.

(eden picked it out...we had fun finding the right one)

made her carry it too.

her comment was.

"is this what it feels like to be pregnant, cuz this sucks"

yes, my darling...

you feel like you are carrying around a watermelon in your belly.

supported only by a few ligaments, stretched muscles and a squished bladder.

oh, and it wiggles a lot.

so fun.

and do you know how to pick out a good one?

it has to sound hollow when you knock on it.

like the sound of pounding on your chest.

compare it to the sound of knocking on your head as opposed to your chest.

you want chest sound!

then a nice big yellow spot is good.

means it ripened a bit in the field.

and bee stings are good too.

my mom always told me that.

so go buy yourself a nice big watermelon.

before its too late.

ever heard of shell week?

third annual shell week at camp pendelton has come to a close.

these water polo boys trained there for a couple of days...

at this beautiful pristine beach reserved only for military.

spent the night in the sand and everything.

they ran a lot, did sit ups in the water and pretty much were worked...hard.

i told the boys as we were driving home how fortunate they are.

to be from such a beautiful place.

to be able to take part in such wonderful activities.

that they are truly blessed.

and are few and far between.

basically...

they live in la la land.

a big giant orange county bubble.

which will burst one of these days soon...

so.

get ready to be out on your butts, little boys.

because that day is coming.

but i guess in the meantime, enjoy the ride.

i guess it is important to show everyone just how tan you are.

maybe its hanging around in a speedo all day long that makes you a little "free".

i dont know.

someone explain it to me please.

some things never change.

wood ranch rolls, cheesy potatoes...

and costco tri tip...a shell week tradition for dinner.

our beloved coach gibson and his daughter gracie.

my friends, the water polo people. such a good bunch.

then, when i arrived to pick up hunter and brendan i was greeted with...

"hunter just saved a marine"

what?

the surf was huge...

 apparently a marine was surfing in this mess, 

and got overwhelmed in the churning water.

and i mean churning.

it was ferocious.

he was calling frantically for help. 

so hunter didnt hesitate.

and ran into the surf.

and carried him out.

the wind knocked out of him.

too bad i missed it by 10 minutes.

just glad he had the inclination to empty his pockets before he jumped in.

yay for his iphone.

good thing hunter, you brought your sponge bob cut offs

to change into.

since your other pajama bottoms got wet from saving someones life.

i wonder if that marine will tell his buddies

he was saved by some punk kid in pajama bottoms?

yes, we are a casual group, arent we.