starting to breathe again

and need to continue on.

even if this house is very quiet. 

i never realized what life he brought here.

what energy he carried with him as he followed me around.

the sound of his feet on the stone floor.

and his breathing when he was curled up next to me.

i will miss him tomorrow when the kids go to school.

when i am here by myself for the first time in 71/2 years.

weird.

so all that said, i am going to post thanksgiving pics.

it was a good dinner, and a good day.

and i am very thankful.

for those noises i wont hear anymore.

and the complete devotion a mere animal gave me.

just because he was wired that way.

for this particular canine who knew how to love.

i think a few humans i know need to take a page out of his book.

oh the message he gave

without saying a word. 

i got the call

that he didnt make it.

must have been a bloodclot to the brain or heart.

he was waking up after anesthesia...

then he was gone.

no suffering no pain.

hopefully hes reunited with ziggy...and mollie.

they can share stories of constant devotion to me.

so, to my friend, my companion,

toby

words cannot express the ache in my heart.

and the intense grief.

i will miss having you by my side.

the company you were to me.

i was never alone.

i love you my big boy.

rip

my life flashed before my eyes

tonight.

i had to face letting go of my best friend.

and sending him on his way.

i would miss his constant companionship.

and the language we spoke when we looked each other in the eye.

his footsteps behind me everywhere i go.

so we made the hard decision to let him pass in peace.

and told the vet tech to cancel the emergency surgery.

she looked at us with sad eyes.

and left the room.

however, when those words came out of my mouth,

they just didnt seem right.

i ached for an answer.

plead for someone to tell me i was dreaming.

and come take all the hurt away.

and who was i to decide his fate?

my best friends life was in my hands.

i had to make a decision.

and fast.

but with my strong eden by my side.

i gathered my wits and dug deep within.

searched my soul and clung onto her.

"its not his time, mom", she said quietly.

"we need to save him."

so we did.

 our christmas will be meager,

and we will be scrimping to save the money it took to save him.

but he is worth every penny.

and maybe even we will learn something along the way.

about sacrifice and love.

and what it means to really love someone or some dumb dog.

who more often than not is annoying and needy.

but if the truth be known, i just couldnt bear to lose one more thing.

at least not now.

i think i would crumble up and die.

so hang on, toby. 

replace all the blood you lost

and make it through the night.

 come home to me.

so you can chase the tennis ball 

and hog all the covers.

i like this...

It is difficult to keep remembering that no bad feeling lasts forever, 
that no frame of mind is permanent in the ebb and flow of our existence. 


The words “This too shall pass” is revealing eternity, because it 
is pointing out that all situations in life are temporary. 
And only that which is eternal can point out that which is temporary. 
“This too shall pass” is a sentence pointing at the eternity living inside us. 
The eternity that will outlive our physical form, thoughts and feelings. 
The eternity which is life.


You should do your best, not to judge the situations 
you find yourself in. Be they good or bad, 
because every situation is temporary.


Now sit on that thought and think about how you feel about it.

(stolen from rachael cleggs blog...thanks cute girl)

the simplicities of life

i was invited to participate in the magic of a sacred occasion.

this darling girl is my sweet friend and past caretaker of my children, 

her brother my other son who was the adventurous older sibling they didnt have.

shes a bright scholar of a girl...who married her intellectual author sweetheart.

(he even wrote a novel...i know, cool huh).

two peas in a pod...smart bookworms, shakespeare lovers they are.

while she was growing up, and i was raising little kids...

their family lived two doors down from us...

what a fun time, when i look back on it.

life was good.

life was simple and sweet.

(dont get me started).

anyway...

 this beautiful darling girl got married yesterday.

and i was asked to help.
(lucky me).

and it was amazing.

i think the pictures tell the story...

(she used an owl theme...can you tell?)

for some reason (well, i know why...long story) i was filled with several

dramatic conflicting emotions during these beautiful festivities.

yes, i was a basket case.

i wept solid while driving there and going home.

i think my head was about to explode and my neck and 

shoulders were tensing to the point of excruciating uncomfortableness.

unfortunately this is where my stress settles.

(is this why people take valium?)

just shoot me now.

i know, im a whiner.

anyway...

there was joy, sadness, remorse, frustration and sheer happiness all rolled into one.

and i was the lucky one to have all that piled on me.

i challenge anyone to sort through all of that...and come out of it ok.

(i was failing miserably)

i was a mess...good thing i had waterproof mascara on.

and the raging headache and momentary blackout was icing on the cake.

i swear im going to die of an aneurysm...or melanoma.

take your pick.

just make sure someone takes care of toby when i croak.

however...

despite my emotional state, red eyes and ruined make up, the day was absolute pure magic.

and i was so glad to be a part of all of the 

love

and 

peace 

and 

joy

which was oozing all over the place.

maybe someday i can get my hands on a little of that.

if i dont die first.

and i actually think i may like my camera more than fresh flowers.

we have an intimate relationship after yesterday.

the light was perfect, the colors were spectacular 

and this camera of mine captured it all.

although i will say this wedding was a perfect mixture of two creative outlets for me.

 making her wedding bouquet and head wreath was magic...

even if i am nursing a major thorn in my finger 

(and i know ive used the word "magic" like 3 times... 

but theres no other appropriate word...sorry)

i think i really like orange too.

reminds me of aenons hair in the sun.

so...

i became the florist turned photographer.

(just call me multi-talented).

 and ended up taking like 300 pictures.

and annoyed every guest there.

i am sure.

im good at sticking a big black lens in peoples faces.

and not afraid to pose people i dont know.

but a cd full of pictures (maybe 2) will be a treasure indeed.

a snapshot of a perfect day.

and well worth the annoyance.

and when nicole texted me last night...

i reminded her of the beautiful simplicity of the day.

and the purity of the message.

and challenged her to build on that.

to hang on to it. 

forever.

if we could all keep that simplicity in our lives.

i think it would cure everything.

i think they can.

and im aiming big.

so...congrats nicole and tyler.

thank you for allowing me to share your perfect day.

it was magic. 

(4th time)

xxoo

nothing better

than all you can eat sushi and green tea ice cream.

happy birthday to my boy.

i love him like no one will know.

he is a pillar of strength.

my gentle giant.

may all your dreams come true, hunter.

amidst the chaos of life.

you will arise and shine forth.

i just know it.

xxoo

mom

...

to all the veterans out there...

my undying gratitude for your service.

the sun was shining...

on me yesterday.

and the planets aligned with jupiter too.

finally.

im a whiner

sometimes.

not all the time, but sometimes. 

yes.

so after all of that whining...

the sun came out.and toby and i had a wonderful morning in the sun.

my bedroom faces east, so i awaken to these rays of sunshine streaming in.

 we took full advantage of the warmth and beautiful light.

see, it does turn out alright after all.

and all of that whining went out the window...

as soon as the sun rose.

and i have so much to look forward to.

 happiness and good awaits.

no worries.

im going to make it.

and i even found a nice guy who will fix my computer for free.

just for me.

see, miracles do exist.

so i have been accused...

of writing depressing stuff on my blog.

how my life is one big drama filled rollercoaster.
a soap opera in the making.

 my perpetual lemon tree spewing hundreds of lemons,
ripe for making delicious lemonade...
however somehow my lemon tree is strangled with loaded branches.
a trickle of lemonade stirred to sweet perfection here and there.

 the dramatic trial i am supposed to learn from and become a better person for...

the daily battle of good vs evil i am supposed to gain strength and courage from.
all to know the bittersweetness of life. 

well...

thats a bunch of crap.

i guarantee i would be a better person if i didnt have to deal with all of this.

guaranteed.

money back even.

triple money back.

i think i want MY money back...and start all over again.

so on that note, yes i am depressed.
maybe even have a little anxiety thrown in there.

it is raining.
and i am cold to the bone.

i have written many a post about how i feel when the sky weeps.
ok, ok...i admit it. i am down in the dumps.
(more often when the sun is not out).
im not crying yet, but thats just around the corner.
i need to be somewhere else right now.
and my feet are cemented in lead boots.
seems i cannot budge...
from my rut.

one day i will carry a smile no matter what the weather...
and also a happy word on my tongue.

one day my life will be in order.
one day that day will come.

and there will be butterflies and big fluffy clouds to look at.
and open windows with polka dot curtains swinging in the breeze.

 everyone will love one another,

and trust one another,

and believe in one another.

and there will be no ill will towards anyone.

or anger, or mean and cutting words.

or seeds of doubt planted in amongst us.
or bitterness or pain.

we will treat others with kindness, and thoughtfulness.

and others will do the same.

the word sorry will really mean something.

and a heartfelt hug will make it all better.
and we will know we can heal and do better next time.
and try try again.

 people will know that what you say is true.

that its not some self serving lie.
meant to distort and manipulate.

and life will be wonderful.
and sweet.

like it is supposed to be.

and i will patiently wait till all this happens.
and free myself from those heavy boots.

but until then, i will sulk when it rains.