my dad

it was my dads birthday yesterday.

yup...9/11.

such a wonderful day for him to be born 87 years ago.

and such a bad day in 2001.

i love my dad.

i love how loyal he is.

and how good he is.

he has a magnificent moral compass.

he has integrity like no other.

and hes smart...and patient.

i admire and appreciate him.

and feel very fortunate to be lucky enough to be his daughter.

sometimes i wonder if i did something really bad,

or something really good to get the life i have...

when i think of being my dads daughter, 

i must have done something really good.

so maybe i am that valiant spirit.

who agreed to take this punch in the throat...

if thats the case, bring it on.

i have my dad to help me fight it all.

and that is wonderful.

because i got the best in my corner.

who are you?

so i was listening to hunters coach give a pep talk at shell week.

and he talked about integrity.

he talked about how when he gives an assignment to

do so many pushups, you need to do them.

period.

whether or not the coach can see you.

i liked what he said.

it stuck with me.

and id like to think that i would do the alloted pushups,

whether or not anyone was watching.

well actually, i know i would.

i am somewhat of a rule keeper.

and then im not.

i let the little stuff go.

and i dont get hung up on much.

so maybe i am just a hypocrite.

or a pushover.

or maybe just try not to sweat the small stuff.

although i remember when hunter used to lie to me about brushing his teeth

when he was a little boy.

that just frosted me.

why would someone lie about something so stupid?

at least lie about something good.

no, im kidding.

needless to say, hunter got harped on big time.

and he had a continuous lesson on integrity.

i probably sounded like an annoying broken record.

"so how am i ever going to trust you again?"

poor hunter.

he probably came clean just to get me to shut up.

i think he learned his lesson.

i hope that when i die, the one thing people might say about me

is that i had integrity.

and if you were one of my kids, you knew it was a big deal.

hope i succeeded.

(thank you aarean for the pic)

more quiet

so i was home alone last night.

and will be tonight too.

first time in a very long time this house is this quiet.

and i am sad.

my best friend is gone.

he left.

i wish i could have been able to express to him how much he meant to me.

but i could not, for some reason.

my words didnt work.

my actions didnt work, i guess too.

i wish i could have told him how we could conquer the world.

and face our issues, and solve them all.

with a little love and patience.

but i could not.

so i need to pull myself up again.

and march on.

cuz thats just what i do.

i will miss the bear hugs.

and the crook between his arm and shoulder.

i felt safe there.

i will miss the lazy days searching out the sun.

and the walks at sunset.

i will miss eating watermelon, and tasty desserts in bed.

i will miss holding his hand...everywhere.
and the chocolate color of his skin.

i will miss him talking to strangers, like they were best friends.
and his love for his beat up airstream trailer.
the one we almost died for getting it to san diego from bakersfield via el centro.

i will miss his exciting stories of his past life.
flying fast planes and driving fast cars.
maybe even a few fast women in there too.

i will miss his strong hands, and his crooked pinky fingers.

i will miss laying on the grass at mission bay and just talking and talking.
and him making sure i dont spend my coins...because they go in the bucket in the closet.
i will miss the japanese words he recites, and the sound of his elvis voice.
his massive tree trunk legs which made mine look small.

i will miss hearing the fireworks over sea world from his house.
and the peek of ocean from his balcony.

i will miss him telling me i am gorgeous,

and the words,  i sure do love you.

but if my man is reading this...

know i always cared.

maybe more than you knew.

and know i always wanted to be with you.

because you were it for me.