red letter day

the landcruiser died.

some big ole clunk clunk clunk sound, with check engines lights screaming...

needless to say, it will be towed from my driveway.

i know its always wanted a piggy back ride from a tow truck.

on a lighter note...

toby ate my favorite, irreplaceable pair of cut offs.

i know, gross. 

lovely area he chooses to chew on too.

maybe i should take this as a compliment.

i guess he had nothing better to do in the middle of the night.

that dog is bugging me lately.

(i thought i would never say that)

and i have this gargantuan pile of laundry to do...with more upstairs.

and a house which is too big to clean.

so big i had to resort to calling for help.

 i will be knee deep in pine sol and windex today.

so...

im hating my life bigtime.

im tired of counting my blessings.

and being miss positive.

shoving the negative to the side.

and looking for the silver lining.

and amongst the chaos of regular life, 

i am walking around crying. 

my life crumbling beneath me.

everything i lived for...seems wasted sometimes.

but this will all pass one day.

and my life will become calm.

and tranquil.

and the mean people will go away.

or brain damage from being distraught.

and maybe i will be able to live again.

and smile a real smile.

and laugh with my heart.

and not have to fake it like i have for so many years.

im tired of putting band aids on.

and camouflaging what is really going on in my head.

one day i will be able to say what i feel and others wont be upset.

or misconstrue what i am saying.

or say, "thats not true".

or "you dont know what youre talking about".

do you know how annoying that is?

i have heard that for so many years i could scream.

how do they know how i feel?

and im telling them, and they dont believe me.

one day i just might be understood and not lied about.

or lied to.

maybe i should just be quiet now.

a muzzle permanently placed.

and i always thought i was pretty real.

and honest.

and true.

maybe all this time its been a facade.